‘We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection’. The best explanation I guess as to why I am writing all this down, but this isn’t perhaps for the more sensitive so be warned if you are easily offended.
What would be the point in living if we didn’t let life change us…
‘We are all filled with a longing for the wild. There are few culturally sanctioned antidotes for this yearning. We were taught to feel shame for such a desire. We grew our hair long and used it to hide our feelings. But the shadow of Wild Woman still lurks behind us during the day and in our nights. No matter where we are, the shadow that follows behind us is is always there, its a matter of whether we see it, feel it and ultimately act upon it’. This is my story of how this woman saw, felt and acted upon it.
They say life changes and my life has changed beyond all recognition this past few months, to the point that I have to acknowledge and record it somehow and this blog is my attempt to do so. If at times it goes off in an unexpected direction, or struggles to clearly make clear sense of events to the reader, its because that’s what is happening to my mind at present, when your every nerve ending is working beyond its capacity as a result of the shear intensity of the experience you are experiencing it is going to be a little difficult to sound completely rational in memory of it. That I guess is just part of the aftershocks of the changes in my life. But such wonderful aftershocks they are, none the less so please bear with me as I try to describe the changes.
So how did it begin? I had felt for some time that my life was becoming dull and uninspiring, despite ostensibly having quite a lot going for me, a good career, not unattractive so I am told, what seemed a good social life and some very good friends. However I had to face up to a few home truths when I had split up with a boyfriend who I had been seeing for almost 2 years. Its progress and more specifically the ending had gone pretty much as most of my previous relationships had, what had started off as fun and fulfilling in the main had just become uninspiring to my senses, routine and predictable. It became more about ‘like’, ‘comfort’ and ‘settled’ rather than ‘inspiring’, ‘intense’ and ‘seductive’, it was either marriage or breakup time and the former, though safe and potentially secure, wasn’t what I had envisaged, well not with him or indeed any of the other men I met socially. But after this last one, as much as I might try, I could no longer seriously ignore the fact that this was more than just ‘not meeting the right guy’ anymore, there was something within me that wasn’t being fulfilled by these ‘nice’, ‘safe’ and ‘predictable’ men and my friends clearly felt the same vibes from me.
So yes I accepted something was missing but couldn’t determine what it was, no matter how much I analised. In fact that was probably part of the problem, over analisation, what a pain that can be, I began to think more and more that it was me who was at fault, that I was expecting the unobtainable in both a relationship and a partner, I began to see how women fall into marriage simply out of a sense of exhaustion, especially when you hit 30 and parents are wanting to know why you are settled and producing grandchildren. I could feel their concern, I understood it even, even if I hated the pressure but it only made it worse as if I could never judge a partner free from my parents nodding or shaking heads sitting on my shoulder, which made it increasing impossible to make a rational judgement. And that big 30 only made it more oppressive, and was beginning to affect other aspects of my life, pulling in my whole world outside of relationships. I even had the mad idea that if I didn’t discover what it was I was looking for or who, by the time I was 33 (don’t ask me why I chose that age) I would marry the guy I was with or would thereafter meet. Like he had no choice in the matter.
“All things truly wicked start from innocence”
So what changed?
I remember the day that initiated the change as if it was yesterday, the day something totally unexpected and life changing struck me, I wasn’t prepared, I hadn’t seriously considered it and I was mostly unprepared for it, but maybe that is why when I felt its appeal so powerful, for whatever my and my friends wine induced discussions on such matters, our shared amusement at the fantasy musings in books like 50 Shades, I hadn’t seriously thought it could happen to me, a well brought up, conventional woman, who some close to me would likely consider a feminist at heart even if I were not of the bare breasted, sword welding combative variety. I expected equality and respect in my life so what happened next was a total shock to my system. Yes I had had my moments I’m no born gain virgin, but I guest vanilla had been the flavour of most of my days, until now!
For my own benefit as much as to make it clearer for the reader, I have set out the significant events that changed me in so many ways as a series of Days, very significant Days in my memory and hopefully through this blog they will stay that way. You can, if you wish, find out what happened next in my transformation in Day 1