About me

What you see is not necessarily what you get

dualpersonality‘In your eyes I see my possibilities
So numerous, so dark, yet so clear
Above all I see me, losing myself
to my depths of selflessness
demanding from you only
those things that you give
knowing that they are what I desire
have always desired, whether I yet know it or not’.

So who am I? I often wonder that myself of late. But this page is more about who I was in all honesty for anyone interested perhaps me to consider too perhaps. The rest of the blog is about the new person I am becoming though the first major change I discovered was that it may not be linear anymore and that’s important to grasp when you go through the transformation I am going through. So I guess one needs to know where one has come from to judge where one is headed or how far one has travelled even. We shall see.

My name is… well lets keep that quiet at the moment shall we. Lets just say I am 30 years old I am well educated and now work as a lecturer in the West of England. I am widely travelled from an early age, have loving if conventional parents, one sister and a brother and we all get on famously, most of the time. Most things have come reasonably easily, though I worked hard at Uni and earn’t what I achieved, but everything seems to have filled in without too much stress along the way and though it seems ungrateful maybe that is part for the problem, though even calling it that seems a little arrogant when I contemplate it.

So life has been good to me generally, but I guess not always fulfilling, no lets be precise has rarely been fulfilling, most notably in my private life where I have increasingly felt something is missing, actually quite a lot when I contemplate it. Ever tried to analyse it? Well I have and I cant say that I have made much long term progress when I have, mostly it just brings home the fact that where I am isn’t always where I want to be. Does everone feel that?

tempting blueAnyway that all changed a few months ago. I was your average 20 something (ok just 30) woman with a good career, friends, a decent, if conventional social life and a lot to look forward to at least on paper. Trouble is it didn’t feel that way and had been increasingly so in recent years especially when I turned 30 a few months back. Perhaps to the point of anxiety. I will try to explain this in the transitional moments where I went from what I was to what I now am. Day 1 is where it all began not that I truly understood that at the time but it will help me describe the most significant events to you by placing the powerful moments that stuck in my mind as deeply significant. Hopefully we can both understand how my transformation from professional woman into selective submission with a man I hadn’t even known a few months ago developed into something I now crave, where I can express myself as a woman without guilt or apprehension, though apprehension was I cannot deny very much on my mind for most of this transformation. Like so many women out there these days I had fantasised about all sorts of things, I was far from narrow minded had read a bit of chic porn like 50 shades that I found amusing more that truly arousing (or so I told myself) but nothing that prepared myself for what was about to happen to me despite all the various instincts clearly already existed within me. I guess it needs a particular moment of truth, that decisive moment to bring it out and reveal the full complexity of ones own locked away thoughts however, and I certainly found mine… Big time.

But returning for a moment to today, let me be clear about what I have become that my turn-on to submission is not to be a mindless door mat for anyone. I feel my developing submission is about finding the courage and total self respect to trust a Dominant which reflects my own self worth. I believe our strengths are expressed differently but can be equal in it’s power. This is the thing I have truly learned this past year. But the learning goes on and it always will, its about being comfortable in your own mind and body and understanding that change doesn’t mean changing that core value, indeed its about intensifying it.

Perhaps this poem describes my new understanding of myself and the woman I am becoming.

I’m a submissive woman,
but do not get me wrong,
I am not a weakling,
I’m intelligent,
proud and strong.

I can take care of myself
my submission is my choice.
I’m a very strong-willed woman
who knows how to use her voice.

Then why, you may ask,
do I choose to give up control?
To allow another
the power over my body,
heart and soul?

There’s a certain freedom that I cannot quite explain;
It’s trust, loyalty and devotion
It’s passion, pleasure and pain.

It’s in the wonder of knowing
that I’m always cared for by Another.
I call Him my Master
but He is also Mentor, Friend, and Lover.

He anticipates my wants,
He knows my every need.
And I know that my best interests are
at the heart of His every deed.

My heart swells with pride
 as He sits tall and proud in His chair;
His loving girl kneeling at His feet,
His hand resting possessively in her hair.

Everything I do,
I do to please Him
His every wish,
want and desire
I’m not a materialistic woman,
His smile is the only reward I require.

How it all started

More of my connections:
My profile on Fetlife, if you do join do friend me:
The Art of Erotica & Submission: http://www.flickr.com/photos/aspirationalwhitegirl/
Yahoo Messenger:

Being me


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