Day 1: From small acorns
What changed was that a man came into my life, a very unusual man, a type of man that at least knowingly I had never come across before. You will learn more about him as this blog progresses if you wish to, but here I will refer to him simply as ‘N’. Perhaps appropriately he entered in a very unusual way, and nothing like the men I had dated in the past dozen years or so. I was going to say ‘previously dated’ but I can assure you this was/is nothing like a date guy, and that is the essence of why and how he entered my ecosystem with such power and certainly before I had time to put up any serious barriers… thankfully as it turned out. Though truth be, it was more his ability to demolish any hastily organised barriers I had erected. To be honest I had no understanding how I, as a pretty normal woman was supposed to deal with such dark temptations. I suppose I have come to understand subsequently that natural barriers were there, established by upbringing parents, society and education, culture much more than any conscious effort on my part to establish them and this is perhaps the first lesson you learn when faced with an alternative lifestyle whatever form it takes. I am sure that is true of many other women out there also. We all have points in our life when we are faced with consciously picking and choosing which of these we sustain, those we adjust and those we toss to the wind. I was probably later than most making such life choices, and perhaps that contradiction between what I accepted and what I wanted was at the heart of the conflict in my life.
It was a friend of mine who started me on this road to change I guess, quite innocently telling me how she was on the web looking for someone a bit more interesting (despite having a long term bf) and said she found a really intriguing advert on Craigs List UK http://london.craigslist.co.uk/ which caught her eye which she insisted on showing me. I was a bit shocked at her revelation to be honest when I saw it. You can see the advert here so you can judge for yourself if I was being over sensitive or not. We had had a few drinks and she wanted my opinion. Well the irony is that there was me saying she must be mad she had a great guy (I had rather fancied him myself to be honest on a grass is always greener level) and why risk it for some dumb advert with someone ‘weirdo’ she knew nothing about. Well in the end she seemed to reluctantly come round to my way of thinking, annoyed no doubt mind that I was being so ‘damn logical’ when it was the last thing she wanted from me, she just blurted out ‘ok then you just dumped G––– why don’t you give it a go then as you keep whinging on about wanting some excitement in your life’.
In a moment she had turned it completely on my head, I was in a state of shock, the more I persisted with my further arguments that I wasn’t prepared to start contacting people I didn’t know online blah, blah, blah simply for the buzz, the less convincing they actually sounded when I had been known for whinging about my boring boyfriends and lack of adventure. Yes all this just made all those excuses she had heard from me in defence of dumping my ex (not for the first time) seem so insincere, inconsistent and totally contradictory. For the first time she really brought home to me how mixed up my arguments on the subject of men and relationships actually appeared; that perhaps I should listen to my own talk more, accept my lot OR be brave enough to walk the walk that my frustration suggested I wanted to do…WOW.
There is nothing like the harsh words from a close friend to bring you to your senses and painfully point out your shortcomings. We all think we know what’s right for everyone else while not seeing how little we know what is right for ourselves. By the end of the evening I felt like I had been found out, I was doing little else but lick my wounds over the next day or so as a result, still confused I won’t deny but chastened and as such perhaps more open to change. Then it happened. What?
Day 2 happened