Day 2: The die is cast
A few days later I went back to the advert that my friend had found and read it again and again. I found all manner of reasons to reject it and deride its contents and was even offended by the perceived arrogance of the man who wrote it. I may have been ready to question myself but that may have been as much to confirm things I thought I believed in than to actually open new doors, no not by a long way and to be honest at that point what I saw was only re affirming my initial feelings about what I perceived as shear kink. After all the man who wrote this advert was everything that I, as an independent professional woman finding her own way in this world, I should hate, a man who apparently saw women as pure objects rather than human beings, he surely lived in a world far removed from the equality between the sexes that I championed. Yes I convinced myself of the validity of my sentiments, perhaps a little too ‘convincingly’ because having got the anger out of my system I found myself creeping back to the advert in case it was no longer there, it became a continuing focus for some reason I couldn’t quite figure. Yet when I saw it again I considered making a complaint (on behalf of other women of course they needed protecting) but always thought better of it, without seeing any irony I guess that part of me actually didn’t want it gone. I find that amusing now I look back.
On the third, perhaps fourth occasion I went back to it I actually considered replying (instantly shivering at the thought) and then I had to analyse rationally why I would even consider such a move. I wasn’t ready to understand the real reasons back then, that its sentiments might actually appeal to me, I am not completely clear even now actually my true thought processes its all happened so quickly, but now I see it as half the fun. I have just learnt to stop the over analisation now, accept it for what it is, absorb its pleasure rather than fight it, through some misguided sense of enforced morality and that alone is a powerful lesson. The second powerful lesson I eventually learnt still lay in the future.
But I digress, back then I dismissed a truth that I didn’t want to face, arguing that any lingering interest in responding was purely some sort of investigation I was carrying out for womankind; in particular my friend, who I convinced myself needed my protection from such things. God I was so patronising now I think about this atitude when I now realise it was more about my looking for safety in numbers wanting others to agree with my views. What things angered me so much I hear you asking, well if you took a look at the advert you may understand, you may not, depends on your perspective and open mindedness I guess. If you are satisfied with your lot, or have no wish, subdued or otherwise, to rock the boat of your respectable lifestyle then better leave now because this is where your sensibilities may be threatened, as mine were all those weeks go by N. Its not to be taken likely because seeds are sown, in some of us at least, a sort of litmus test perhaps awaits.
Anyway if you wish, and missed it the first time, you can view the advert here: http://aspirationalwhitewoman.wordpress.com/type/gallery/#jp-carousel-4
Ok so if you are still here then I guess that you are either curious about the innate temptations that I found, or you have convinced yourself that you are purely interested in investigating others innate temptations (sound familiar) that you find strangely erotic, just as I had convinced myself at this point of discovery. I am sure many of you remain immune however or are for now at least. Really don’t know if I am typical or not.
But to continue. Wanting to find out more about the man who would write and display such an advert and totally convinced that he was in some way the ‘enemy’ of free thinking women like me, I had convinced myself it was important to learn more about his make up, what made him tick, why he thought the way he did about women and above all his weaknesses- ‘Know your Enemy’. I even had visions of confronting him over his sexist motivations and defeating him in an intellectual battle, my own version of the Big Bang Theory perhaps, pun intended. So eventually I responded to the advert, well after about 10 revisions I responded to it anyway, I can be so anal at times or maybe the faith in my arguments were simply fluctuating eratically. Either way I found it incredibly difficult to frame it and what started out as a blistering lethal barrage at some Jurrasic attitude to women, was by the final draft far less confrontational, not that I saw any contradiction in that, I simply considered that it was pointless to write something that would be immediately thrown in the bin, which was probably true.
However I still felt at the time that this action would finally create closure, solve whatever it was that troubled me, get that nagging itch out of me. More importantly so I thought, having proved the truth as I considered it, I could tell my friend that this man was a total inconsequential coward, exploitative, a waste of space, a bigot, charlatan and no doubt I would feel free to go on to lecture her about being taken in by such a barbarian and having got all this off my mind closed the gaping hole she had left in my conscience I could get on with my life feeling all the better about myself and my values. As you may have guessed that’s not how it worked out however and I am sure if it had I would instead have lost a very close friend and I would have continued to live my life with the shutters down. In Day 3 you can find out exactly how things did progress however.