Day 3: Release the Attack Dog
I was quite anxious having sent the response to the advert. After 3 days I had convinced myself that I was not going to get a reply and felt that was that, despite a pang of irritation or was it disappointment, but I was strengthened in my previous impression that this man was clearly an unthinking coward.
And then to my shock the reply was there sitting in my inbox and a whole new overload of contradictory emotions hit me. I felt decidedly uncomfortable, my first urge was to bin it, to shut him completely out of my life but then that would make me the coward wouldn’t it, so for a while I left it there untouched but haunted by its presence each time I logged on. I had a glass of wine tried to read a book but couldn’t concentrate so with a big intake of breath I sat in front of my computer and hesitantly tapped the read button. If you consider the transformation I embarked upon a mistake, then this was the big one I guess, its the action that ultimately changed me for ever, or so I suspect, for even if all this stops tomorrow I will surely never be the same person I was just so recently, nor do I want to be for that matter. Most changes come incrementally, you may not even notice the changes until you view back from a long way ahead. By those standards as I view it now, it was sudden and engulfing for me and even as I struggled to resist over the following days I knew intrinsically that my previous stance was rapidly becoming a redundant one. But at that moment reading that first email I had not visualised the changes that simple act was to have. How it would eventually bring about the sudden emotional change that I can now see so clearly looking back occured in the time that followed. From then on it wasn’t really about returning to my old life, it was about how far off that straight ahead trail I previous held to so firmly I would venture. My conscious mind just wasn’t ready to accept it yet however.
The first thing I did notice were not that the words I nervously read were not from the man I had so clearly envisaged, the precise image of whom I had so clearly inked in my mind. Instead of the supposed Ghengis Khan figure with an extra touch of Barbarossa thrown in, I found language something nearer to a poet, a man who was indirectly telling me more about myself (well this aspect of myself anyway) than I knew of and certainly had been almost aggressively reluctant to contemplate existed back then. These words were like a revelation, firm but soothing so clearly self confident, considerate yet commanding, so very magnetic. So much so that I actually, in an unguarded moment felt guilty that I had so mistaken his intentions, so ignorantly written him off as a pleb because of supposed prejudices (mine?). The ‘enemy’ had a name and it was “N_____.”
This was totally disarming, it was so not what I expected and all my pre-conceptions and how I planned to respond to them, became instantly redundant. More importantly my reactions showed that as much as I had subdued it mentally all my life that there was a personality trait within me that was now, by permission or otherwise, asserting itself and powerfully enough that I could not totally ignore it, even if it still lived mostly in corners of my subconscious. For I was now feeling it both mentally and to my shock even physically as thoughts swirled through my mind outside of my control. Yes this man did have power, but his attitudes clearly were not one dimensional by nature, but seemed to be multi faceted and complex and very intriguing.
I immediately realised that I was going to have to think carefully how best to challenge his point of view because as much as I was absorbed by what he said I was still at my most conscious level convinced that though he was clever and articulate this was just a veneer for his ultimate intentions. Well yes he had intentions alright but my total delusion at that time was that perhaps his intentions were not as anathema to me as I had contemplated. Yes I was still very much intent upon exposing him for what I thought he was its just the method that had to change I thought. In fact later, as I thought about it I began to feel that his decency, his calmness was itself to be perceived as an insult to women, ok I was clutching at straws but it wasn’t easy for me to contemplate that what he offered was actually appealing to me and lets be honest even if it did it wasn’t something to be taken lightly and dive into head first. If nothing else this was a worthwhile move to ensure my own safety so maybe its a worthwhile instinct at heart. So whether I had my heart in it or not I set out to test N’s every contention, to question his every statement and judge his every belief towards women. Was it to convince myself this man was using his skills to subdue another person who was simply gullible and not capable of seeing through his paper thin arguments and subsequently fell into his web or just a cover on my part to to ease myself into becoming a conquest, I don’t know probably a bit of both.
Either way I set out on a plan to cut his feet from under him in the name of common decency (or some such moral crusade) to stand up for all women and bring him down by logical, intelligent if heated debate. After all anyone with a brain would see through the gaping holes in his stance, couldn’t they. Yes I convinced myself despite the evidence on the contrary I was ready to confront him on all fronts.
Of course I was outflanked. Every time I thought I had made well conceived and structured arguments against his attitude to women, in particular sexually, he had clear succinct defences that made perfect sense if viewed with an open mind. What was so disarming was that most or what he said seemed natural when examined objectively that nothing was exploitative in reality even if on a superficial level it might have appeared so to the untrained eye and that all was fundamentally and mutually permissive and equably pleasurable to both parties in their own ways. That there were dominant and submissive emotions implicit in human nature and that due to a whole range of reasons that as he accepted as a generalisation men tended to be more representative of the former and women the latter in sex and that accepting that fact in our emotional needs was in no way indicative of our positions in our normal social interactions.
Perhaps not. Day 4