Day 4 From attack dog to puppy
Day four of my transformation is really a number of days that fold almost seamlessly into Day 5 but in my mind its the first day that our communication became regular and intense that sticks most in my mind.
We had gone from an attempt on my part to dismantle his view of women and the innate exploitation his views represented to a far wider discussion of that supposed exploitation, though already my conscious control over its exact course was in terminal decline as my wish to discover more was exponentially expanding. I tried to hide it even from myself but I think back and am pretty sure he saw through it, maybe he knew he had me hooked even then.
As previously mentioned he wasn’t at all what I expected but even more clearly, as he became less of a villain in my eyes he became more intriging to me though still predominantly subconsciously at this stage. No he wasn’t at all simplistic, prejudiced, narrow minded, pre judging or at all dictatorial and that’s what I had formed defences against in preparation for this communication, so perhaps my own prejudices had helped his cause all along. Despite my probing there seemed there was no apparent prejudices that I had applied to him, certainly none that I could detect to exploit to bolster the arguments I had previously formed to cut him down. That factor, without me realising it, put me on the defensive not him, when ever I came up with a seemingly valid attack against his supposed exploitation of women, he came back with an entirely sane, persuasive and rational explanation for the actions, that they were all consentual and why those actions were different in nature he admitted in his view, but they were very much equal in pleasure and satisfaction for both parties and exactly what both needed and wanted to extract from the relationship. It was intense but not about exploitation. Even if I had doubts at first contact, by the end of this debate I could see that was clearly and deeply felt, not at all the mantra I expected. So the debate continued to change form.
Over time as our interaction continued I gathered that this man was not only supremely intelligent, he appeared completely honest, self effacing and knowledgable in ways I could only grasp at from my experiences. He was clearly understanding and perceptive too. He never felt the need to condesend or denegrate my views, my apparent neivity (or even my former views), he went out of his way to say he fully understood why I had them, but all he was asking was that I examined WHY I had them. Some of you may say this was subtle manipulation perhaps, I would probably have said the same not long ago, but I was well aware of such tactics and even if this were the case I in no way felt that this was some form of entrapment. He simply and succinctly fended off my initial attacks on his stance and then responded with calm and logical answers to my questioning (yes my arguments had increasingly become questions). Slowly, but surely I came to realise that maybe his answers were intimately connected in some not yet understood way to the answers I sought for myself in my life, prior even to ever knowing he existed. He brought I assume unknowingly, perhaps instinctively, those two threads together in my mind, not to provide the answer itself but certainly to make me aware of the direction I needed to explore to look for that commonality. And that is the crux, he never told me what I SHOULD do, only opened doors for me to find my own answers patiently and considerately. Looking back it was always me enquiring from him and moving things along, he simply took up the role of a guide, but all that was my doing not his. If you want to se it that way then it probably says a lot about his supreme self confidence that he didn’t need to push, that simply feeding information would feed my thirst to learn and quenching it would be most likely temporary. I would seek more enlightenment. It was almost surreal but and immensely sensual road I was travelling.
Yes I was disarmed, but in a good way and I am so happy I more than met my match in that respect. This was never about him warping my mind, it was about him leading me to question my own inherent values as much as I set out to question his. It was increasingly about me wanting this and me asking to take it through each stage once he had offered that knowledge to me, and increasingly I did want to know more. You can only do that when you feel totally comfortable with someone and that happened slowly at first over a few months. But I am moving ahead of myself.
Wherever that first spark came from that would reshape my views, ‘chat’ had become something so much more, this man had turned our communication from, (at least on my part), innate disapproval of what he represented, through widespread intellectual debate about societal roles, the relative roles in erotica of male and female figures, through concepts of female submission into… well I suppose it could be called proof of concept, a very personal proof of concept as it turned out in fact, as we spoke of what it was like for a woman and increasingly by association what it would be like for me to actually surrender to him. Most importantly I came to understand what that word ‘surrender’ actually meant in his world. Surrender really could it seems be a form of freedom as much as I had often derided such a concept in the past.
Discussions were widespread, he was pretty open about himself considering the need for privacy for us both, he told me he was a doctor (God did that surprise me) he was in his early 40’s had a very normal middle class lifestyle most of the time but that he enjoyed this part of his life and above all so had every one of the women who had trod this path.In a way his entry into this was not very different to theirs. A need for something more, something different and clearly some nagging kinks that he wished to try out as a contrast to the nomalness of everyday life especially one entrenched in such a stressful career.
He talked about the women he came to know, a few were very like myself, while keeping their details private he explained how they had travelled the road I now contemplated (yet not admitted). I still couldn’t believe that they could have fallen under his spell to the point that they did things for him in their own homes that seemed to be a little more humorous at first sight rather than sensuous. This perhaps can be compared to my scepticism of hypnotism, I just couldn’t believe that he could exercise such power over such distance or the women could gain anything real from so doing.
He showed me a profile he had on a site that examined peoples kinks and where I could see some of the women he spoke of and the personal journey they enjoyed with him. This worried me at first but clearly when I looked at it, yes I was taken aback I wont deny, but all appeared consensual and all those shown were aggreeable to it and completely concealed so their privacy was deemed of paramount importance. If you want to see it you can find it here (profile). They were clearly ordinary generally professional women who I could immediately identify with and I cant deny after that initial wariness I found it extremely sensual and erotic in the extreme to check through the photographs and descriptions. Some of these very normal women he had met, some more than once, a few had never got that far but none had ever been offended or regreted anything they had done, mind you he would say that wouldn’t he lol. And gradually but exorably it moved from others experiences to whether I would want to tread this path. I asked many questions about them and he seemed to answer them honestly and openly short of compromising their privacy which impressed me greatly. Soon I was imagining myself in their place and the thoughts were anything but hostile to my senses. Things I read there became intimately entwined with these thoughts.
‘Once that combination safe clicks closed with all her clothes inside, she knows she’s nude and utterly in my hands. It can be a comforting feeling, having all your options taken away for the next few hours – reading and seeing this, feeling your belly tighten, fluttering deep within in empathy, I think you recognise that desire, don’t you?’
(His words to a pic on his profile, and he was right when I read them I did).
This all happened so gradually I barely noticed the changing emphasis over those crucial significant days, small seemingly significant steps, small enough that I felt that I could resist at any time if I became uncomfortable with its progress, convinced (I remember it so well) that the urge, the desire to study my own erotic exposure, the over confidence in how it would be proof in action of how impervious I was to his ‘magic’, my curiosty soon sated (strangely the time scale seemed ever expandable) but once experienced I would understand myself so much more clearly, confirm my values and move on. Instead I came to understand, slowly at first, that what he was saying began to make a lot of sense and that there was nothing contradictory about being a strong confident woman while exploring deeper aspects of femininity (ok female submission) that I had mistakenly thought I had to keep suppressed. No these two aspect of ME were not I began to realise, mutually exclusive, in fact far from it, they were really just two sides of the same coin and one could feed off the other. I began to realise what an emotionally suppressed woman I had been all along. more thoughts came into my mind.
‘Blindfolded… naked… hearing sounds outside… unable to see, but very aware of that gap in the blinds, and of the sound it would make when rolled up. Knees were shaking; thoughts and images were sharply focused, it was scary but intensely arousing I was hooked’. Just a quiet Saturday afternoon mind wandering in my flat in Bristol.
And as it did so I was beginning to recognise, slowly and irresistably but undeniably, that my life would never be the same again, the realities that had been there on that fateful moment in Day 3 when I first replied, were trickling into my consciousness no matter how I might fight it. Everything I thought I knew about myself began to vanish and been replaced by a new reality where I played out my role as an increasingly submissive woman. The more I was assertive and confident in my outward life the more the coin flipped and I desired the release of surrender, with choices given up to another stronger, and desirable personality that I craved to please. It would be only a matter of time before all those thoughts all those images were going to go from my imagination to testing my own capacity to surrender to this man. I was reluctant at first not because I was concerned about submitting (though I was ) but mainly because I feared that it simply would not translate into sensual reality for me and all those height pleasurable feelings and imaginings that were become such wonderful mentally stimulating fantasies would then in turn be lost as a result of that magic cord being broken and normal service being resumed. Normal service was not the type I wanted to return in those erotically charged moments. But the answer to that is to be found in Day 5.