Postscript: My World changed forever
Contemplation. I was sitting by the window having some coffee, both my hands wrapped around my mug looking at the trees swing back and forth from the strong wind and I began to ponder what has transpired this past few months. Symbolism overload. It has been an incredible journey getting to here discovering and learning about myself even though my true breakthrough has just been recently. It really hasn’t been all fun and games I accept, I’ve had to endure certain heart ache, and also accepting the fact I am a submissive, something lots of women in my circle just see as weak, by no means will they allow a man to take control in part of their life the way I have, but then I would have been one of them not long ago. They really don’t understand the concept and just because you are submissive does not make you weak at all! That may be difficult to explain to you too but I will try.
‘There are moments when, what ever the position of the body, the soul is on its knees’
The days after my meeting with N were a minefield of emotions, surreal moments and a serious re-appraisal of what I had become as a woman. My overwhelming sensation was one of feeling wonderfully fulfilled and erotic. I did fear that this would wear off over time and my inherent cynicism would return to dull what had happened to me… thankfully, so far at least, that has not remotely happened.
But before I go on to say more about that, a little more about the immediate aftermath of that highly charged day of the meeting. I will admit I was so scared at first but thankfully that only fueled the sexually charged nature of the events that followed and the highly desirable feelings that was generating within my body and mind which were fundamentally new to me, well certainly in their intensity anyway that’s for sure. Thankfully and I think this was vitally important to me (as it should anyone) what happened was within a totally safe environment and that made all that followed more acceptable, making it possible for me to release these clearly pre existing desires within, in ways I had never thought possible before, but now acknowledge as an active part of me… that is the freedom I guess that others have spoken of, I used to hold in disdain but I now clearly understand with N. As I previously said if anyone wants the full ‘sordid’ details of what happened over that weekend I am happy to provide the link to that page, but I am conscious of people’s sensibilities so won’t go into excessive detail here. But I will say that the moment that he locked all my clothes away in the safe in that hotel room was the seminal moment of a serious transformation in me, the moment of no return where you senses are provoked into an indescribable erotic overload that is mesmerizing and for me at least irresistible. He held the door open and simply asked ‘are you ready’. A chill hit me at the simplicity of that unexpected but ultimately compelling statement, I took a deep breath and simply said ‘yes’ as I realised in a moment of total clarity that there was nothing inside me that at that moment wanted to resist any longer. As I surrendered myself in that one word to my new world a great weight was taken off my mind, all those fears and doubts replaced by excitement at what was to come. It was the last real choice I was to make that day and the strange thing was I was completely relieved about that, that door closing was shutting out the old me, the old world enabling me to relax at least mentally into a whole new one that I was so excited to explore without the dulling distraction of having to overly think or make crucial decisions as one does in work and relationships all the time. I was no longer scared, a sort of karma descending over me in the following 24 hours or so but all my nerve endings were tingling with sensations both mental and physical.
Lets just say that by the time he opened that safe again and it was for me to leave I had become a new woman a totally fulfilled one no longer scared of revealing aspects of my sensual nature that I had subdued for far to long because of the influence of others or indeed society generally. I know this sounds clichéd but I realised that this was the person I was meant to be all along, even if this was only the start of that discovery process. Above all I realised that his was adding to what I was as he said all along not replacing part of who I am unless at least you want to include all the negative, uptight, unquestioning bits anyway.
Come to the edge”, he said.
She said, “I am afraid.”
“Come to the edge”, he said.
He pushed her…
And she flew.
But it wasn’t finished yet. Before I could dress N took my lipstick and wrote on my breasts. Does this sound demeaning? Well not to me or if it was I fed off it at least as much as him. I was then made to kneel on the bed one last time, something soft, feather like was drawn across my bottom to between my legs and inevitably I exhaled, mewed and shivered in response to it. This was his way of showing how he could control my body, stimulate it as he saw fit and that memory is etched in my mind to this day. He then wrote something on my lower back and bottom, when you are so highly charged and content sexually something as simple as that feels so arousing, I wanted part of him to stay with me after I left and this played to that need as strange as that must seem to you. I was then allowed only to put on my dress, no underwear, no jewellery, only my dress, my stockings, my shoes and my bag, he wanted the power he had exercised to stay with me on the journey back to my normal life. Even my case was tagged so that he would know if I opened it to retrieve any thing. Yes I felt so vulnerable, but that in turn excited me in whole new little ways, reminded me constantly about the contrast to how I felt on the journey down and above all meant that there wasn’t a before and after moment in this, there was no ending it was going to go on and I felt very much at ease and comforted by that thought. Hope I am not laboring the point but there was to be no feeling of loss, only the new feeling of ongoing expectation. Everything was going to feed off each other and every small normal thing could become something so much more sensual and sexualised, not knowing quite when and how, was the exciting thing. I was conscious that at anytime aspects of ‘him’ could enter my life to add excitement and an unexpected thrill, be it me time social, work or play a call, a message an email might add a little bit of personal spice to events. My senses have been heightened my nerve endings upgraded to deal with the new sensations, my imagination has become consciously high-definition and 3D. All this stays with me to this day evolving and stimulating and (usually at least) a totally normal part of what makes me tick. I had the courage to explore myself and have realised how much was missing from my existence. whether i evolve away from it eventually or into some else again I know that I will never regret the process and the stimulation it affords me. We all change but finding yourself is a skill that sometimes only others have the skill to help you discover. Becoming aware of that is the vital spark.
And knowing myself so much better I have become conscious of making efforts to expand this for myself, I really enjoy that, I love having this other side to me which I can show or hide as and how I wish to. What you choose not to reveal about yourself is often as exciting as what you do reveal but above all you are in control or at least choose to surrender that control to others. When you don’t know yourself sufficiently because you shut it out, or suppress natural healthy instincts you are far more vulnerable to others mischief and unwanted consequences surely. My friends have seen a big change in me, mostly expressing how less uptight and more easy-going and relaxed I appear and how I seem more comfortable in my own body and mind, even if they recognise this without really knowing the precise nature of the whys and hows lol. They just know that I have become a more rounded person and perhaps expressing more of the person they always knew was within but I kept under a tight rein too often for no good reason, other than being afraid to reveal too much. We all have our defense mechanisms I guess, that such revelation will make us vulnerable I suspect, such a negative vibe. With recent events there is a little irony in that perhaps.
Sometimes things really don’t appear as they seem. I may have found a submissive side to me which I crave to express in the right circumstances, but in reality I have found a strength of character, self-awareness and confidence that makes me so much more in control, two sides of the same coin I would say that is initially so difficult for us to comprehend but is o obvious once you do. Giving up control is so very different to losing control and it teaches you its fundamental nature as a consequence. I had previously and unknowingly suppressed my ability to learn these home truths for reasons I didn’t even understand sufficiently. Yes sometimes it takes another person to show you what you refuse to acknowledge, I am so glad I came across such a person.
There’s a right time and a right place but sometimes you have to create that opportunity for yourself or at least be willing to look. I am so glad I did.
If you do want to contact me (females only please) then do feel free to do so at: firstname.lastname@example.org
These are some of the places that the new me likes to explore so do feel free to click on the links. But be careful what you wish for, some are pretty dark on the other side, and remember other erotic sites ARE available.
My profile on Fetlife, if you do join do friend me
The Art of Erotica & Submission
Yahoo Messenger: aspirationalwhitegirl
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