Been thinking a lot lately now that I have reached a certain plateau and that first overwhelming transformation has taken place feeding all its intense emotions. Now it is time to evaluate and just pass on instant feelings and thoughts that only now are truly possible. So here goes.
If someone would have said to me 5 years ago that a D/s relationship is something I was going to be longing for I probably would have said “you are nuts!” and one of the reasons for that was because I really didn’t know what this lifestyle was about, what it meant, how the dynamics of the relationship works. Hey I am still just learning now, not sure if and when there will be any particular conclusion, its the journey anyway that counts in this life.
But I honestly thought it was mostly about leather, whips and chains, perhaps even abuse inflicting pain upon others and getting a kick while doing so, so yeah, I sort of knew the basics but little else and nothing about the inspiration and subtleties, after all what subtleties could there be in such a relationship? How wrong could I be. I had heard and seen the collars, the toys and many of the kinks but I was unaware of the most important part of such relationships; trust, respect, communication, and obedience. The closeness between two people without inhibitions, absolutely no fear to say how one is feeling, to please and be pleased, be heard and understood, understand and not judge, be so open that even when dressed in their presence they can see you completely naked. So wonderful *shivers*. That is the intensity I felt and it is mostly internal (mental and physical) rather than external, that is I have come to understand only the fine tuning of the experience at least in my case. I do realise how repressed I was before, unhealthily so I think, perhaps a little conflicted a bit of a rebel with no clear way to express it maybe. I think my parents were exerting more control than I ever realised and I do have to smile to think that only by giving up control have i really gained it for myself. Oh the irony.
The more research I did over those months about the subject, the more I read and learned, educating myself the best way I knew how and I began to understand there was something I was missing, wanting, yearning, and wishing for. But I think I have related those feelings previously in this blog so what does the future hold?
Do I want to experience a vanilla relationship with a side of D/s or do I want to keep it separate, do i want to keep this aspect in my life long term at all indeed. The anser at this stage (and it is early for me) is undeniably YES, I dont know that this door can ever be closed fully just evolve. That’s because I want to belong, the thought of knowing someone owns me, my being, everything that I am, who have total and complete control of me sends shivers up and down my spine. Yes for now at least it is a matter how much of my life I want to devote to that… indeed how much of me body and soul. That is the question on my mind now as I sit by that window with my coffee.
I clearly have a need to please, to love and serve, to have that ‘one’ with me in mind or for real unconditionally each and every day. The thought of being in a relationship and seeing him every day is compelling I must admit and each time my knees get weak and the butterflies go wild, knowing I would be home where I belong with who I belong, ummm what a rush!!! But then the time apart though it feels like loss a lot of the time can make the intensity of the time you are together perhaps more amazing. So the question remains and time will educate me further on this matter I am sure. But if I am in a vanilla life with someone how would it work alongside this new need in me?
Who knows if I will find that someone, be he the one who would be able to combine both vanilla and D/s or someone vanilla who could accept my need to have this other side, he is probably searching for me right now…looking forward to that moment when we first look into each others eyes, the chemistry, the attraction…wow, I get goose-bumps just thinking about it, I know it is going to be wonderful. I am going to make some lucky man real happy one day I am convinced! But I am comfortable with that being in the future the pressure is off for until then I have that ‘someone’ who is going to teach me so much about myself without that deeper relational commitment and that at this stage is vital I feel.
In the meantime I am meeting N again this coming April. Wish me luck. I cant tell you how deeply excited I am if last time was eye opening this time it will be intense and re affirming I think. Musicians say the second album is always the tricky one, I wonder if its the same with D/s. I will let you know.
As it turned out our meeting was delayed and April became May and if you dare you can read more about that in ‘HE’ Revisited.
It turned out to be quite an eye opener.